Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.