Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
road rage
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.