Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
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i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
“HELP WITH CAT”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable