Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.