my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
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me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*