orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
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My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
sugar glider wrangler
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.