Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
was Jim off killing horses or…
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.