Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
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Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
three things we don’t talk about
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”