@WhiteFolkProbs: Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
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@B_poling82: Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we're going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.
@bmarked21: From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I'm simply going to reply, "Hmm... I've seen better."
@drhappyknuckles: Doctor: Ted, you're dying, Patient: My name's not Ted. Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.