Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
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I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”