Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
You Might Also Like
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.