Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
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What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting