Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Velcrow
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.