Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
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I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible