[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
You Might Also Like
“Great, now I have to pee.”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!