*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
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In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!