*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
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Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
My time has come.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.