*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
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Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Basketball
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.