[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
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this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
im all 3
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck