*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
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What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
*puts words between two asterisks*
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep