*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
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I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,