*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
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How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.