[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
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My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.