@CantEven101: Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
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@Tommytoughstuff: "DOUG YOU'RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!" [camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
@shkeeber: Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
@toriTBC: When a guy texts "your beautiful," reply with "my beautiful what?" then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.