Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
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[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*