@haurdCider: Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
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@jctwritesstuff: Me: *tied up* Guy: *hits my kneecap* M: I'm not a rat! G: Bring in her sworn enemy! G2: *tosses Rubik's Cube at me* M: Oh god no! I'll talk!
@jordan_stratton: COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take. ME: You mean, don't take? COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
@aka_fatman: [birdwatching] Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
@withanewname: *installs google translate* *looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal* *finds half my tweets doing better than mine*