Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
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if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Encore…
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.