[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
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Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
What about a To-Don’t List?
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.