[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
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ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony