Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
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I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.