Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
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What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one