Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
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i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
E
E
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E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”