can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
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Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Breaking news:
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.