@juliussharpe: Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?
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@UberFacts: A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
@AndyAsAdjective: KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream? ME: no you may not [long pause] K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
@TheTalkingPipe: The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she'll call security.