Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake