Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
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I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
smartest karate player in the world
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I finally found a reason to live again.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster