Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
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“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.