Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
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My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Bed should get ready for ME
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
You saw nothing. I am ham.