Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
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So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
What about a To-Don’t List?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
favorite tropes as memes
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.