OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
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*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Still a very good boi….
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over