Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
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Happy thanksgiving!
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.