“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
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“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.