I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
It do be feeling this way.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.