OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
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[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
We decided to have money instead of children.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.