inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
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I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”