Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.