OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
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Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.