OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
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The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”