Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
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Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Fluff me with a fork baby
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.