Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
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It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.