When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
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It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
They’re not wrong
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.