@ValeeGrrl: Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.
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@thetigersez: Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I'm good-looking, so I'm, like, nah.
@inanimatecorpse: Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn't that enough? Me: Say the words Wife: Ok... sir, I have bad news about your wife
@TheTimmyToes: *sees baby* *crouches down, does some cute baby talk* *no reaction from baby* *stands up slowly* You've made a powerful enemy today, baby
@Rollinintheseat: If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they'll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you'll have enough money to buy an orange.