Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
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You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I self medicate, therefore you live.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning