@AndySandford: Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it's not up to me to find these kids?
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@jimmytorosian: Don't drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be "the dirty guy" and no one will have sex with you
@schmuuur: I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how's your day going?
@robotrowboat: Please put away that scary photo, Tina. That's my X-ray. I'm not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
@juliussharpe: You know it's not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you've ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.