Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
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Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Found my door mat
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?